Don't go away, I'm needy!

Give the gifts that mean the most this holiday season, 

not just the ones that cost a lot. 

 - - - - -

Because Christmas has become material, and that's the way that our society views it. But it doesn't have to be. I know there are some people out there that I have no idea what to get. Some people I can only thing of sentimental shit. Some people I can only think of material shit. Rest assure that there's some sort of meaning behind the stuff I'm giving out, but I'm going to try and not feel weighted down by the dollar signs. If some thing's expensive and I think you'd like it, I'll get it. If it's not quite as expensive as someone elses', oh well. 

Anyways, this was brought on 'cause I figured out the most kick-ass present for one of the most important people in my life who's so fricken hard to shop for. 

And on another note, but really, a directly related one- I saw a TY in this store today, and it was exactly the same as the huskey I own. Now, I love this dog. He/She is amazing. Don't let the fact that I don't know its gender or the fact it doesn't have a name mislead you. The night before Halloween I decided to drink more than enough, and as my friends were putting me to bed I apparently cried out for 'my doggie!', which I vaguely remember after my roommate told me the story. At night I either use it as a pillow or cuddle up with it, and in the mornings, when the sun is streaming in through the thread-thin curtians, it acts as a sleeping mask and covers my eyes. It goes absolutely everywhere with me. 

The huskey at the store was all new and plushy and looked nothing like my ratty, bedridden, deranged pup. But I like it that way. Cause if my friends handed me that pure-bred look-a-like I would've shoved it right back into their face (or started crying). My pup's mine because of the memories I have with it and what it means to me. It was bought originally for my friends birthday, but I decided to keep it for myself. I'm an amazing friend, aren't I? But seriously- that dog's mine and I love it even though it's made from the same stuff that that other dog shiny dog was, even though it came from the same factory and probably costs about the same.

My goal this Christmas? Give someone their own doggie.

P.S. I got the CD to [title of show] which is an amazing musical. It's about two guys who are writing a play about two guys writing a play. Hellz YEAH I love it! "Don't go away, I'm needy!" is currently my favorite line... 

Lifelines...

Sometimes something happens and you can't explain it...

... but sometimes you don't need to explain it for someone to understand.

 - - - - - 

Growing up sucks. Being your own person sucks. Making a decision sucks.

'specially when the choice is between what it is you want and what it is you should do. 

If you figure out the formula that'll give you the right answer, let me know. 

Freedom from Value?

Today I went to the Santa Clause Parade, which was awesome (although it started snowing near the beginning, and then turned into a mini blizzard, and then all the snow melted, so everyone was wet, and the wind was blowing so I think I might have a cold). But I couldn’t understand how half the things on the floats related to Christmas. It was cool, but still- a Pizza Pizza float? Really? Corporate sponsorship was repeated numerous times to me, and yeah, okay, I get that. But what is that saying about Christmas? And Santa Claus proclaiming the end of the parade that the fruits and veggies that could be bought from the store behind us were a preferred alternate to the cookies left out by little kids everywhere Christmas Eve wasn’t really the message about Christmas I was hoping for. The parade was fun- I bought four apples and some strawberries from said store and I saw a girl I played hockey with last year in the parade cheerleading, but it wasn’t fun because it was a Santa Parade. It was fun because it was a parade.

Also- yesterday I went to the Art Gallery of Ontario, hereinafter referred to as AGO, with Robbie. That was fun. It completely failed, and the planned day went horribly askew, but it was a lot of fun. I’m going to miss her. Which brings me to something that’s been bothering me for a little while.

What is it about today’s consumerist society that makes the every day person drop everything and run to anything that’s advertised as ‘free’?

Maybe ‘every day person’ is a bit of an overhaul- but you have to admit, free stuff attracts almost everyone. Who cares if you don’t actually need whatever it is that the promoters are promoting; it’s free! You’ll take it! 

Take for instance, the AGO. Now, I assume that on any given day no more than a hundred or so people pass through its doors to be wowed by the artistic experience it provides. Well, if we’re talking about the social experience and cultural awakening, the number drops dramatically into the single digits (note the bitterness; credit to FACS1900), but honestly, taking into account my complete lack of realistic statistics- all in all, not a lot. And yet there are people who will stand in line for hours on end to see the ‘grand reopening’ in a metaphoric monsoon, attracted to the AGO because of the simple fact that… there’s free admission. Why is there such an attraction to these types of things?

Yes, I do admit that I am one of those people. But I am also a poor student. Who is currently being fucked over by a TA strike. Free Toronto attractions are like what Bella is for Edward –although not quite the same because I, being Edward, would actually not be able to resist the ‘sweet smell’ and therefore devour Bella in a heartbeat, ending the series to the dismay of millions of fans and chiefly two of my three best friends… anyways… the point being, I have an excuse to be mindlessly attracted to anything free. I’m looking for experience. I’m looking for new things. I’m looking for anything that’ll occupy my mind for no more than a two-way bus fare, and kudos if I can find something for less than that. Goshdarn, I’m looking for culture! (in the not FACS1900 way)... (damn course)…

Okay, yes, there are people out there who do not grasp at any materialistic thing without a price tag attached. Yes, I know those kinds of people. No, I am not one of those people. Why is there a difference between these kinds of people?

Is it because everything materialistic in our society has been assigned monetary value, and those without one are perceived by consumers to have more other-kind-of value? And let’s move past the obvious answer and actually think about that. Do it. Honestly. Because that’s where I get stuck. 

Let’s imagine a paper towel product, one free and one bought. Both perform the same function. Both cost the same for the supplier to make. They are interchangeable, one the same to you as the other.

But is the one that you paid for more valuable to you, or the one that you did not pay for? There isn’t a set answer; it’s just something to think about. And when you have your answer, ask yourself why that is. Move past the obvious- the sentimental: because I worked for the money to buy it, or the monetary: because I still have the money I would have used to buy it, and have therefore actually made money off it in an odd, odd way. What about that product makes it more or less valuable to you?

Even past the materialistic sense of value- Loyalty has value. Friendship has value. Trust has value. Love has value. Independence has value. Memory has value, opportunity, judgment, human rights, dissent; all of these things have value. Some of these even, in the right situations, have a price tag attached… 

And all of these things are free… 

So what makes one thing more valuable than the other, when there is no assigned value? If someone is loyal, but does not love you, is that person more to you than someone who loves you but is not loyal?

Is there one that obviously has more value than the other? Or is value completely subjective? Completely objective? Why do we even judge things in terms of 'value' and 'unvaluable'? Why not judge in the realistic sense? Is there something that has no value whatsoever? But then how can something be judged in relation to value and not have value?  I don’t know. I applaud those who do. Who really, really, truly, deeply do…

Inherently Lonely

So I was looking for something profound and uplifting to title this thing... Thanks T, by the way, for this wonderful gadget of communication ;) 

Anyhow, onto the subject of the title. Because as you can tell, Inherently Lonely isn't very good or uplifting at all. Actually, it can be seen as a tad bit depressing... and I guess it is. At first I was listening to song lyrics, trying vainly to figure what the hell would be a appropriate title. The Cutting Room Floor came up (Rent, to anyone who knows me and knows the musical) but thankfully that was taken. I realized that I didn't want to take anything from a song. I've written before, and I figured that if I couldn't come up with anything, than you know what? maybe I should just wait until I had a good name. So I waited. 

And waited...

And five minutes later I had Inherently Lonely. 

Now here's the thing about that. No, I'm not depressed. Yes, I'm doing okay. Yes I am happy, as happy as I can be with a strike and thousands of miles separating us. Thanks for the worry, which is there if I've correctly judged one or two of you. 

Something that always comes to mind when I think about my decision to leave Calgary is sitting at Southland station waiting for the train with Tiff, talking about our futures. Not our future futures but like, what to do after high school. I knew I was going to get out. I knew that moment in Grade 10, waiting for the Southbound, that I was going to get out. And I knew in that process that I was going to lose some very good friends. And I did. But you know what? I also made some great ones. Not the one's I've met here (although I am getting closer to someone I've always wanted to know better), but the ones I left behind. -please ignore the melodrama that comes with a line like 'I left behind'- They know who they are. And I'm not trying to guilt anyone. But seriously; not being around them has shown me how obvious their absence is. Not because I walk around every moment wishing I was back home, but because someone will say something, someone will assume something and remind me what I had. The connections and stories I've shared with people. Sometimes I just can't deal with the glaring reality that people don't know me. That they haven't taken the time to get to know me.

That maybe, just maybe, I don't want to share myself with these people. I need to hole up in my room and write, or text, or talk on the phone with those people that I do want to. 

So what it all boils down to is this. 

Independence, I've found, is inherently lonely. There's some characteristic of the word, some definition of it and its meaning to us as a human race in the broad spectrum, and me in a much, much narrower one, that indicates, and in fact requires, a type of isolation. Of course the obvious- wanting to be self-sufficent and alone gets you... well, alone. But more than that, wanting to become your own person, finding out who you really are to yourself- you have to do that alone. I'm a firm believer that who you are is who you hang out with. But who am I when I'm not hanging out with the same people? Of course my memories and their influences affect what I do and say and think, but am I capable of being the same person without seeing them constantly? Do I have the will to disprove my own theory and keep what made me, me, comparitively intact? I hope so. I really, really hope so. 

Someone can tell you, 'don't put metal in the electric socket', but you do it anyways. And it hurts. A lot. 

But you know what doesn't hurt? 

Coming home. 

So I titled the blog Inherently Lonely, not only because I think it'll make a killer song lyric, but because it sums up my life at the moment. Whatever the hell drove me to attending York at Toronto, be it independence, apsiration or stupidity- whatever the force may be; that, my friends, is inherently lonely.